


and still they echo me (they echo me in circles)

by trisarahtops



Category: Nowhere Boys (TV)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Friendship, Gen, Introspection, Other, Sexuality, kinda a kid fic for a bit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-01
Updated: 2014-02-01
Packaged: 2018-01-10 19:39:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1163678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trisarahtops/pseuds/trisarahtops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Felix’s thoughts on Ellen in the alternate world, and mistakes he thinks he’s made.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and still they echo me (they echo me in circles)

Felix met Ellen when he was nine years old.

It was the first day of year five with the much dreaded Mrs Alderson—renowned amongst the students for her term-long seating plans and exceptionally strict attitude towards school uniforms. Felix had been placed next to Ellen, who was quiet and shy, with big green eyes and a toothpaste stain on the collar of her shirt.

Felix hated her on sight.

He wanted to sit with Max, his best friend who was moving back to New Zealand in six months (so surely he should be allowed to enjoy as much time with Max as possible!) and for the first week of term, Felix blamed Ellen, not caring that there was no logic behind his detestment. It wasn’t until they had to work with each other for a math assignment that Felix began to like her; she was smart in a thoughtful way, rather than tease him for his difficulties with fractions she helped him, teaching him the best way in a determined voice.

He didn’t start to view her as a friend until a month into term when he forgot his hat.

Bremin Primary School had a strict “no hat, no play” rule that was hated by all the students, and harshly followed by all the teachers. Being caught playing without your hat would most certainly result in a detention; it simply wasn’t worth the risk. Felix had reluctantly sat himself by the classroom, leaning against a wall and jealously watching the playground full of his friends. Then Ellen appeared.

She was consistently messy with her clothes; her shirt always covered in smudges of toothpaste and food, her skirt constantly twisted to the side and her socks never matching. Mrs Alderson, the hag that she was, always picked on Ellen, making sure everyone knew just what was wrong with her uniform. And yet, Ellen still dressed as casually as ever, despite the never-ending verbal assault. Today though, she had come to school with her hair down, which – according to the school—is a nit hazard and she was banned from playing in the playground for the rest of the week (after she had been given a rubber band to tie her hair with).

She sat next to him silently, her hair down with a slight kink in from where the tie had been, the band around her wrist, and smiled.

They spent the rest of recess, and then lunch, talking outside the classroom. It wasn’t the same as climbing on the monkey bars with Max (which Felix loved) but it was fun. Felix found himself laughing for the entirety of lunch and he realised for the first time: Ellen was hilarious.

From then on they were close; she was there when after Max left, to hug him as he cried and didn’t tease him for it, and he was there for her when her Grandma passed on. When he was fourteen and was given the news that Oscar would never walk again, he went to her, finally letting himself breakdown and cry over what had happened. And then later that month Ellen watched her cat get hit by a car so she’d come to Felix, gripping him tightly as she tried to hold back her tears.

At the start of year 10 they skipped school for the first time.

They hid in the patch of bush behind the hairdressers, their dark clothing and hair camouflaging them from anyone’s searching eyes. They leant against a thick trunk, their shoulders pressed together. Ellen looked paler than normal, and Felix wondered how worried she was about getting caught. He didn’t really care; Oscar was missing school to go to another appointment today so a distraction from the norm was nice.

Then Ellen sighed, “I have to tell you something.”

He looked at her curiously; she never gave warning to what she was going to say. What followed was a resounding silence, but Felix didn’t push her, she would say whatever she had to say eventually, he knew.

Ellen broke the silence, her voice steady but her hands shaking, “I like girls.”

And so Felix took her right hand with his left and held it, lacing her fingers with his and leaning his head against her shoulder. “That’s pretty cool.”

She hugged him after that, crying with relief and whispering that he was the first person she had told. Felix held onto her tight, replying that he felt blessed to be told and reassuring her that she was his best friend.

They became closer after that, though Felix didn’t know that was even possible. They lived so close to each other it was easy to see each other every day, and even when they spiked rumours about being in a relationship they laughed it off, occasionally holding hands to mess with people. They bonded over the hate that they shared for the general population and promised each other to never become so ordinary like them.

(There were secrets of course, because Felix never wanted Ellen to know about him looking into witchcraft to help Oscar. And despite the knowledge that she would never judge him for it, he didn’t tell her about his own confusions about his sexuality. He didn’t know who he liked, so he wouldn’t tell her just yet.

He also never told her that he saw her kiss Susan Bennett after health class one day, because they were acting suspicious and he was curious enough to follow them behind the classroom. But he knew he shouldn’t have, because she didn’t want him to know, and he respected that. He acted surprised when she told him two weeks later though.)

Then Felix’s life was turned upside down because of a field trip. Or more precisely, because he messed up everything.

And in this strange new life where he didn’t exist, Ellen was entirely different.

He found himself wondering – in the rare times where his thoughts were not clouded with Oscar – if his Ellen would be this bubbly girl he saw now if they had never been friends. He wondered if this Ellen was truly happier than his Ellen. Had he ruined his best friend’s life? Neither he nor Ellen would ever be described as happy; cynical and gothic, yes, but not cheerful.

She was just as sarcastic and feisty though; standing up for Mia with a ferocity he had only seen when he was the victim of bullying. She smiled more here however, and that put a queasy feeling in his stomach. Why did he not make her smile like that? Was he that bad of a friend? Or had he dragged her down his own path of self hate and anger, rather than forge her own like she had here? Felix wondered with a sick jolt that maybe she would be happy that he disappeared; that she would be free of his clingy grasp.

But what was mostly baffling about this Ellen was her interests. Here, much to Felix’s confusion, Ellen was interested in Andy.

Andy – though well intentioned, handsome and intelligent – was not the sort of person that Ellen was attracted to. Even if he didn’t exist in this universe, Felix was sure that sexuality was a thing that was entirely personal. He did not cause Ellen to become attracted to females; that would be a universal thing, he was certain.

Surely she was trying to date Andy because it was expected of her, right? She was the best friend of the most popular girl in school, and she was rescued by a mysterious, valiant stranger who then turned out to be a new student at her school. It was a cliché that Felix was certain that she was trying to fulfil. A hero-worship turned romance blockbuster.

He felt some satisfaction that at least his Ellen was close enough to him to come out, to not live a lie.

But the seeds of doubt began to grow after the excursion into the forest again, after Andy spoke to her. She didn’t look as if she were faking interest.

Maybe this Ellen was bisexual? Or pansexual? Another thought occurred to him while he tried to get to sleep; maybe his Ellen was too. She had not, after all, ever labelled herself to him. And when she came out she had said she liked girls, but she didn’t say she was a lesbian. And she didn’t say that she wasn’t interested in boys either.

Had she perhaps come out in the midst of her own confusion? Maybe she had realised later on that she was attracted to more than just girls, that maybe she felt trapped by coming out to him. Did she worry that he would accuse her of ‘going back in the closet’? Was he more of a hindrance than a help?

And perhaps she was happier here, fitting in and getting the boy; rather than in his world, where she was an outcast and secretly kissed girls behind classrooms.

(A new page of guilt added itself to Felix’s Book of Mistakes. The book, a black diary that existed in only his head, contained many things, but none were more important than three specific pages: ruining Oscar’s life, trapping Jake, Sam, Andy and himself in an alternate universe, and probably ruining his best friend’s life.)

**Author's Note:**

> Any feedback would be much appreciated! :)


End file.
